I'm Scurred
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Dave Barnes - Crazyboutya

I'm really scared. I'm scared of losing my best friends. I look back at elementary school, middle school, and even high school even though it was a year ago, I have realized the "best" friends I had I dont talk to at all anymore. That's depressing. I mean I honestly dont care much about those people anyway, but it reminds me about how easy people can fade, and that scares me cuz the best friends I have today, I never ever want to lose, no matter how far we move away, and no matter how much we become busy and absorbed with other things. I dont want to lose them. I hate it when some of my friends fall in love, its annoying, I mean Im glad for them, I really am, I mean if you are able to find love, than thats just plain awesome, it truly is cuz its hard to find. But on the on the other hand, I hate it, cuz they dont realize how much they totally abandon the other people they loved before the girlfriend/boyfriend came along. It's funny how things can happen so easily like that. I mean...it sucks. But *sigh* whatev, these things just happen, and you cant help it.

But I think its gonna be ok, I mean, I dont think there will be any way to seperate me from Kevin, Victor, Paul, and now people like Fatu and Matt. They are totally awesome and I love them all to death, and I cant even picture a world without them and I know/desperately hope that they cant picture a world without me. 

uhhh...
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: The Beatles - I'll Follow the Sun

I remember when I used to pray every night for a boyfriend. selfish huh? dang that was a while ago...middle school? wow... i used to think that a boyfriend would make life better, make me happier, and make me complete in some way. but dang, how my life has turned around. now i pray every night that all the boys will leave me alone! i dont understand, there are so many now, its annoying, and im not meaning to be arrogant. what have i done to make them like me so much? my conclusion is it's this darn haircut, curse you bangs! i dont know what i want, i dont know what God wants, i dont know anything. for right now, i want to be single, even if there are a couple of reeeeeeally hot guys that like me...sigh. i miss the holding hands, i miss the hugs, i miss the kisses, and i miss being a half to a wholesome. but i also know that sometimes ya just gotta be patient, find urself, find God, and let the guy find you. it is all so confusing and i want/neeeed someone to talk to, but sometimes there just isnt anybody to really talk to about this kind of stuff, cuz its all confusing and stupid an cannot really be put into words, so God is the only one who can help I guess. if only that was easier...

i did have a good thanksgiving break though. definitly my favorite of the 18 years i have lived on the earth. haha so much went on, there are not enough spaces on a page to describe lol. so peace out.

love cindi lou

Where is the Simplicity?
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Lifehouse - Broken
today i feel like screaming. i have so many secrets i am holding in and its a little overwhelming, the kind of secrets that only you and one other person know, and you are dieing to tell somebody else so you can unload all the insane amount of  buildup. but i know i cant. i just wish life was simple again, you know back in elementary school when you had a so-called "secret" but you would always tell everyone anyway, cuz well the secrets back in elementary school had to do with teddy bears, who had a crush on who, valentine's day, etc. but no, you grow up and the secrets become more intense and less and less people know. and before you know it, people are telling you about drug dealing, sex, and robbing banks. and dont get me wrong, a lot of people tell me everything cuz they know i will keep a secret, they know im a strong christian, so they need help, and they know that i am a person to trust. and i am always there to help, i will never ever turn down someone who needs me, but just sometimes, i wish i was a little kid again when nothing was serious, the highlight of the day was recess, and the only thing to worry about was to remember  the lunch money on the counter before you ran after the school bus.

Abstinence is sexy
Mood:  down

well, i just did not have a good week. jamison has left me, i think he hates me or something lol. i dunno. but i dont think i did anything wrong. i mean i talked to him like twice online for like 2 seconds this entire week. i dont understand whats wrong, and i dont think he's meaning to hurt me like this by ignoring me, he's just really busy i guess, and idk, i feel like he doesnt exactly care about me anymore. but um, i definitly realized that whenever i have another boyfriend, im gonna promise myself not to forget about my bffs. i told kevin that if i started hanging out with a bf too much and not with my bffs anymore, than he has my permission to punch me in the face and beat me up until I realize the situation lol. and on top of all that, a reeeeally close friend of mine confessed to me that she is sexually active with her boyfriend, and she is an athiest. can u believe that? i mean dang, i took that really hard. im so angry right now, i dont know what to say. i told her i was really disappointed. why do people have sex before marriage? i mean even it wasnt a religious issue? i mean, when people have sex before marriage, they dont have anything to look forward to, it is hard to discern lust from love, the emotional attachment becomes physical, STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and you're giving urself up! but once you are married, you know the other person loves you for who you are, and not for the sex, you are in a major committment so the chances of ur partner leaving you are far far far less. sigh, i just dont get it. to me, sex before marriage is disgusting, ungodly, morally wrong, and if u do it, then i have lost every ounce of respect that I had for you in a second. im done, im just done with all this crap that has been happening to me lately. what is flippin wrong with this world? why is it so hard to come across a person nowadays that does NOT sleep around and get drunk every weekend? i hate this, im frickin cryin my eyes out, and i dont know what to do. im so sick of this. im sick of school, im sick of atheists, im sick of being ignored, im sick of sluts, im sick of being ugly, im sick of all the tears, im sick of doctors that wont tell me whats frickin wrong with my blood, and im sick of hypocrites.

cinni

I Apologize BFF
Mood:  not sure

I know I have many bffs, but when u read this, u will know it is u im talking about. I would just like to apologize. The reason I have been grumpy toward u lately, is cuz i miss you. I miss talking to u for hours online, i miss getting texts from you, i miss hanging out with u on sunday afternoons. i guess since i am starting to hang with a certain boy more often now i havent really had the time to talk to u as much and i just realized that, and i am reeeeally reeeeally sorry for that. i dont like the fact that u live so far away from my house, or else i would be having wendys picnics with u all the time lol. but now...and this is hard for me to say, cuz i dunno its kinda weird lol, but i am actually jealous of u liking that girl right now. i am not jealous in the sense that i like you too, its not that, i mean i love ya lol, but not in that way. i am jealous that u r spending so much time with her, i am jealous that u talk to her so much online now, that i feel left out. i am jealous that u go out of ur way to spend time with her in merritt island like all the time it seems now, when u never drove once to merritt island to hang out with me. i am jealous that u have now given up ur sunday afternoons (which was the only time we could ever hang out)...to be with her. But I would just like to apologize. I'm a frickin idiot for treating u so badly bff, i am just a grumpy ol grouch, that is all, and i should not be angry with u for liking somebody haha cuz that is just rediculous. and im sorry bff, i love you. but not only that, i am worried about you, cuz i know how soft ur heart is, and i just wish u would be more careful, cuz i know what u r like when u r hurt badly, and i would give anything not to see u so heartbroken again. but bff if u really like her, i dont want to discourage u, who am i to have a say in the matter? i wish u the best and i love you and i sincerely apologize for being such a jerk.

love cindi lou

Homework, Blood, and Marines
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: King of Queens

well, havent exactly had the best week, not gonna lie. ive failed a bunch of quizzes, everyday i dream about dropping out of college and becoming a firefighter. seriously, that just seems so much better than what im putting myself through haha. on monday i had to go in for another blood test so i get to the doctors office and they're like "well, we cant do this certain test because its too complicated, so u have to go to the hospital." and i was like "yay." so i go to the friggin hospital to lose lots of blood, it was fun fun fun! then yesterday one of my best friends who i love a lot, and he's my favorite person to hang out with and laugh with and go on adventures with told me he's joining the marines! ...THE MARRIIIINNNEEEEESSS!!!! after our conversation ended, i cried, im not gonna lie, i cried. im gonna miss him soooo much! i would prolly feel a lot better if he was entering a different branch, but i mean the MARINES! come on! it worries me, and im praying alot for him and i dont know what im gonna do without him :( and then today i got a call from the doctor and he said that my blood is still definitly not as good as he hoped and wants me to come in again tomorrow for ANOTHER FRIGGIN BLOOD TEST even though that i have 4 blood tests and they still keep telling me to come in! i hate this! its freaking me out, i mean i dont really know much of what is going on, but they are acting like i have cancer, and well ya know, cancer = a field full of sunflowers, daizies and bunnies frolicking around. and ughh im just so stressed, i have a million papers due, a million clarinet performances and practices, a million muscles to memorize by heart for anatomy, and now, a million ounces of blood to lose before my doctors friggin tell me whats going on!!!

sorry, haha im not normally this crazy and upset...

cind

Jamison
Mood:  blue
i miss my best friend...quite a lot. :(

Rumors suck!
Mood:  irritated

I dont understand, nor will I ever understand why people spread rumors. No matter how small or big they are, they are all the same to me. It's annoying, obnoxious, and angrifying. And the worst part is, you can do absolutely nothing about it. As soon as the match is lit, the fire is spread. But why do people start rumors? Are they mad? Are they jealous? Are they simply just bored and want some sort of sick entertainment out of it all? I dont understand! I thought I left all this crappy drama when I finished high school! But no, I guess some immature person out there hates me or something and felt like spreading a stinkin rumor in order to see me suffer. And it's not like I have done anything to upset anybody! I try my hardest, and I really do try my extreme hardest, to treat people how I would want to be treated. So I just dont understand, its all nonsense and rediculous to me. But anyways on the bright side, before today, I had the best weekend of my life. :)

sigh...

cinni

well...McCain lost...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Michael Buble - The Best is Yet to Come

so last night at the party the results were pretty quick. we found out at like 11 that obama won, so the party kinda died after that. i mean the party was really fun, minus the fact that obama will be the next president. but gosh facebook is driving me mad now, cuz every single status is either "go obama! mccain was a failure!" or "this is rediculous! im moving to europe!" its the two extremes, but there is no medium. it makes me want to throw up. i hate it. yes, i am sad that obama won, but people need to stop debating already, its over. if u want to move to europe or canada, go ahead, no one is stopping you, ir ur gonna give up that easily and run from ur problems, america does not need you anyway. but as for me, i know that it was God's plan to have obama as the next president, so i will go on with my life and continue to follow Him, and try my best to please Him. so i think instead of argueing and crying and whining like everybody seems to be doing lately, why dont we pray? and as for the democrats rubbing it in our faces, well i feel bad for you. i dont understand ur morals, i dont understand ur beliefs, but that wont stop me from continuing having a friendship with you. i dont like it when politics gets in the way of relationships, so i try my best to avoid that. so please people, lets just accept the fact that the election is over, mccain lost, obama won, and lets be friends again. no more debates please! no more crying! let's be good americans and just make this country as thriving and amazing as we possibly can. thanks haha. <3 this time i really mean it when i say peace out, seriously, PEACE!

cin

I VOOOOOTED!!!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Jeremy Camp - This Man

today i voted in my first presidential election!!!GO MCCAIN!!! haha, it was really exciting, i went with my mom. she was so proud of me hehe she took me to dennys for breakfast, p.s. they have the best french toast in the world. but anyways, it was quite exciting, there was no line at all it was weird, i was in the lodge for no longer than 5 minutes, it was amazing. but anyways going to an election party at the murrays tonight, i just hope the party is still happy and enthusiastic at the end...come on mccain! my prayers are constant and my fingers have been crossed for a while, but we shall see. peace.

cindilou