Mind is Busy

Usually thursday nights are awesome as can be because of Mr. Jarvis. I could listen to him talk all day. He is so full of wisom and has studied the Bible intensively for yeeeears and years. Today we talked about some questions that unbelievers usually ask, like why should we believe the Bible, and what about predestination, and stuff. Basically, believing the Bible is mostly faith and trust. Of course, this does not satisfy unbelievers, but there is also historical proof found everywhere that they can feed on. But what about predestination. I am a calvinist, which means I believe God chose me, rather then I chose Him. Most people disagree with this because they immedietly think this is unjust, unfair. I refer to Romans 9:21.  ^"Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?" God can do whatever He wants with us. If we were only given the chance to chose God or not chose God, none of us would chose Him. But because of His grace, we "chose" Him (He chooses us). Now this does not mean that I think we don't have a choice. I do, I believe we all do what we want. But I do not think we have free will. The definition of free will is that nothing is determined and this, I don't believe. I think everything, past, present and future is all determined by God.  We do what we want, but everything is already determined. To me it is very frustrating when people don't think this way, they think they are the ones that choose God. However, I am learning to overcome this and realize that either way, we are all God's children, whether we are calvinists or arminians. But to me, God just seem so much more amazing, powerful, and almighty to me when I look at Him through the calvinist view. 

God is Good

Well, lately I've been slackin a lot on my spiritual life. For some reason whenever I'm thinkin that I need to read my Bible, I always come up with an excuse. And then later I feel really bad, because God doesn't come up with excuses. When He was forming me, he didn't stop and say He'll try again another time, or maybe not at all. When He's hard at work making miracles, He doesn't say He's bored and walks away. So why is it so hard for me to pick up my Bible every day for half an hour and read and meditate, but so easy for me to press the power button on the tv remote? I get so frustrated with myself because I'm such a retard and I have no right to treat my God like this. My God who has saved me, and protected me, and blessed me, and created me. My God who watches over me, and loves me more than any human could understand. My God who sent His SON just for me! and I feel like I have done absolutely nothing to thank Him. But STILL I spend more time wrapped up in myself than I do thinking about Him, reading His word, or thanking Him for everything wonderful and beautiful He has made. Why is this? I am filled with so many flaws and mistakes and imperfections. But then I think about my missionaries who live far far away spending all day telling everyone about Jesus. Those missionaries are selfless and very strong. Why can't I be like that? Why is it so difficult for me to focus on the One thing that truly matters in life?

 

My God, my Father,

The One that made me,

The One that saved me.

I feel I've been a bother.

What right have I to push you aside?

I have no right.

I have no fight.

I think nothing and go with the ride.

You have loved me before I was born.

You have always been my rock.

you have always been my block.

And for my nonexistant gratitude, I mourn.

I am human, and far from perfect.

But you knew this, and gave me Your Son.

You know this, and love me even when I run.

Because You are perfect.

I love you Lord, You are always here for me.

When I'm down, and when I'm up.

Running over is my cup.

Your mercy and glory I will forever see.

 

love cindi

PAUL!

hi paul =) im pretty sure ur the only one who reads these. idk why u do, cuz pretty much all i do is complain lol. im not sure why i have this blog anyway its kinda weird, i dunno. i think blogs are for people who have deep and reflective thoughts, which i usually dont at all. so i dunno what im doing, but anyyyyways, just wanted to say hi paul. so, hi.

cindi lou 

School's a Drool
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: U.S. Open (Del Potro's beating Nadal!!!)

so i decided school is pretty much the gayest thing ever. it's full of cliques that are impossible to enter unless you're born into it. it's full of old teachers who tell you to write about your opinion but will only give grades according to their opinion. it's full of creepy, annoying people who think they know everything, but really they know nothing. it's full of millions of papers and tests and quizzes and i have no idea how people function without a planner. it's full of fakes and phoneys. it's full of mean people who used to know you in high school but won't give you the time of day anymore so they pretend they do not know you. it's full of being forced to think deeply even though deep thoughts come spontaneously. it's full of gay gay gayness all the time. it's full of hypocrites and people that judge your every move. it's full of bad grades and sleeplessness. and to think about it i pay to go to this school, use up all my money to do so, learn absolutely nothing, get a degree, get a job, and then just get laid off cuz this economy SUCKS. it's a waste i tell you, a waste. id rather play tennis all day.

ugh, bad day, cindi

Oy, parents...
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Wasteland - Augstana
I think parents are ridiculous. Well, mine are. I want/need so bad to explode in their faces. They don't trust me. They don't respect me. They don't understand me. They don't know me. They don't see me as who I am, who I want to be, they see me as who they want me to be. The pressure has built my whole life, and it is coming extremely close to explosion. When they enforce such strict rules, such ridiculous closed-in walls, do they really expect me to sit back? They're not letting me go! I'm not a little child anymore! I'm no longer the small 3-foot child running around oblivious to everything. I'm grown up and want to move on. But how can I when the leash is too tight, too short, and choking me? How do you tell a parent to let go? How do you tell them that their child is no longer their baby, that their child is ready to enter a new stage of life. How do you tell them TO LAY OFF AND LET ME BE! I do love them...but they are making life unbearable. You know the feeling where you need (not want, but actually need) to leave the planet so you can just sit on a star somehwere and SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN! AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM! the kind of scream that will open the ears of the largest sleeping beast. The kind of scream, that when you're done, you feel deflated. I need that. I need it bad...

I Make Mistakes
Mood:  down
I think it is human nature to view oneself as perfect. I know that sounds really selfish and prideful, but it is true. It took me 19 years to realize that I do not always know what is right, I am not perfect, I have error, and I need to accept that. I have had many arguments with people, for the most part it had to do with me judging someone of their actions, yelling at them, telling them that they're doing wrong. At the end of the argument, I would always look like the good guy, the one who knows everything and always does well. Bow to me. The largest problem that I have is judging people. I hate to admit it, but it is so true. It is not my right to judge, it is God's, and only God's. Who am I to act in such a way, when I am nowhere near perfect myself? I realized today I am a constant flaw. I am never perfect. I am not always right. Only one person that walked on the Earth was perfect and righteous and holy. He was Jesus, and I have no room whatsoever to act like I am on the same level as Him. I apologize for ever  being judgemental, for ever acting like I know everything and you dont know squat, for ever being mean, for ever ignoring you. I am still learning, and seeking wisdom from my Holy Father. Sometimes I may have a need to voice my opinion, but mostly because I care. I simply want to be a shining light, but a lot of the time I am just retarded. And idk, I am not even sure if I am making sense. But overall, I am filled to the top with error and have no right to judge.

I Love Fatu
Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Made

Havent blogged in forever my bad. Been busy. But now that I have mono and my boyfriend Fatu is gone for the weekend I don't have much to do. I'm pretty sure I've watched every movie on my shelf, every tv show, played every wii game, and i even edited a music video lol. but yea, im really bored. And I realllllllllllly miss Fatu. He's the only guy I ever really loved. My first boyfriend Brad, I told him I loved him, but he was my first boyfriend and that was 11th grade and I was dumb. And I'm pretty sure I just said it cuz he said it and I didnt want to make it awkward haha. I was so dumb, but that relationship was too. And sure i've liked guys more than i have others but Fatu is the only one I ever loved. And he's amazing, and i'm really glad he feels the same way. I honestly have no idea what I would do without him. And i miss him a lot right now =/

peace,

cinni

Definition of PMS in Poem Form
Mood:  irritated

It sucks to be a girl,

So bad, I want to hurl.

The war of hormones inside me

Is easy for anyone to see.

I’m pissed for no reason

Three times a season.

I yell, kick, and scream

‘cause it’s no good dream.

A squirrel crossing the frickin street

makes me so mad, im red as a beet.

I cry, melt, and stress

‘cause everything’s a mess.

I am serious when I say

PMS will ruin a day.

It’s like the constant gloomy feeling:

Of your head too close to the ceiling,

Everyone is out to get you,

Simultaneously stepping in goo, doo, and poo,

Chocolate is extinct,

It’s impossible to blink,

Life sucks,

And I really hate ducks.

Now imagine all that,

But times 3 billion, and in the middle of combat.

And even that is an understatement

But nothing frickin rhymes with understatement

Because life sucks as a girl,

So bad, I want to hurl.

BLAH!
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: pitter patter of Debbie hopin 'round

Woooow, so sorry. It has been a while since i've written. I've got so much on my plate it's ridiculous. But i've got even more on my mind, but i have no idea how to put it to words. Today i went with my mom to switch over the car to my name and such, and a bunch of insurance crap and blah blah de dah. and my mom is freaking me out a lot asking me what i want to do with the house and such if my parents suddnely die or something. and im just like AAAHHHH i dont know! i mean i enjoy living in my sheltered life where i believe that no one dies lol. i mean lately i have been realizing a lot that life is short, its as simple as that. and it sucks. i freak out when im having fun sometimes cuz i know it wont last forever, and time just flies by way too fast when im having fun. im so scared to die, but im even more scared to have my loved ones die. i think life was just made to be short so we could cherish it even more. my english teacher told me yesterday that if there wasnt death, then there wouldnt be love. because love exists knowing that it cant last forever, and that there will be an end. im not sure what to think of this yet. but its always there in the back of my head now.

and also it comes to my attention more and more that this world is starting to lose all sense of morale. its so disheartening. i know it is not my place to judge, but thats the biggest thing i struggle with. but its sooooooo hard for me to just sit back, and forget about people and their sins and just be close friends with them still, because their constant sinning is always there in my mind, and i dont know what to do. but everyday i just realize more and more and frickin more that this world is going down the tubes and nobody cares about anything anymore. 

so yea, there's a lot more on my mind, but im just too overloaded with crap right now im just like AAAHHHHH so maybe lata. but thats good nuff for now. so meh, whatever. 

~ cindi lou

Mood:  sad
I MISS JAMISON SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!